Indulgence
Beginnings are always hidden in endings. The transition from this tenuous summer into colder climes has me thinking about indulgence - what it means to find & feel rest. To refuse the urgency of time & lay together in bed, a tangle of limbs & lingering day dreams. Holding on to the echoes of my friends’ laughter on virtual calls and relishing the sparkle of Fenty lip gloss swatches on days when my comprehensive exam reading list feels far too long.
I’m closing the figurative chapter of coursework & fixed deadlines in order to practice being accountable to myself & not lose myself along the way. I’m soaking in too hot baths & digging my heels in aromatic epsom salt. I see no shame, just languid appreciation for how beautiful my brown skin looks lathered in rich cream when I meet my reflection.
Autumn’s crispness brings pumpkin spice everything (@losmares) & excuses to crack the spine of new additions to my library - wading my fingers in the possibilities of Afro-Indigenous futures & stealing moments with the romance novels hidden on my shelves. I’m finding new shades of brown to match the fading golden hues of my skin & sharpening the edges of my winged liner. Jesse found a #JackieAina palette and @tambrialove gifted me a #BeautyBakerie brush set so I’m cooking up some lewks on my own.
My forever fiancé Alice Walker’s voice lifts off the page and asks me why I am “eating misery” while I contemplate my use in capitalism’s web of social relations. I’m asking tough questions of myself - how do I want to be loved? Who am I getting this doctorate for? What is the best way to make chai lattés at home? Why do I think achievement will erase emptiness? What type of mother will I be? How will I show up for myself in these endings and new beginnings?
Many things are coming to an end while so much feels unfinished. COVID cases are rising and each day is a reminder that those of us at the margins have suffered too long. Distance between my loved ones and I grow deeper and I have almost forgotten what it feels like to kiss my father’s cheek or slip my hands into my mother’s warmth. As the year grows harder, I’m trying to indulge in the things that help me feel connected to my body. Today that looks like this glass of wine, #DexterDaDog joining me for yoga with @professingmagic (and my @onepeloton boyfriend @DenisMorton), expensive skincare courtesy of @esteelauder / @influenster and sharing *one* chicken tender with my other half.
Here are some of my favorite things since I last took the time to write to you, and to myself. Happy Fall 🌲🍁🍂
