The Final Destination
As a little girl, I did not dream of wedding dresses or happily ever afters. More of a magician than a princess, I played pretend in make believe libraries. I lost myself in the comfort of second hand books and wished I were a heroine in a 90s Bollywood film. I wanted to grow up and be everything my mother couldn’t. I plucked the unfinished blueprint of the American dream from my father’s back pocket and held it to my chest like a compass. There’s a certain safety in planning out your future - to curate a type of happiness that comes with complacency. I earned 4.0s, won the awards, and let the weight of other’s expectations steer me forward. I did not have time to dream about wedding dresses and happily ever afters. It was always easier to be a supporting actress than to take center stage as the heroine of my own story.
Circa 2018 right before our wedding. Taken by Diana Ivy Ward.
Overtime, I unfolded the worn edges of that blueprint and did not know there were pieces missing. With ink-stained fingers I tried to rewrite the coordinates of my life, waiting to exhale after years of doing everything right. You stumbled into my life and steadied my hand as I reworked the contours of my daydreams. When plans went awry, you held me close and traced the tributaries of my tears with kisses. In moments where I felt unmoored in my own life, your certainty stitched together the forgotten coordinates that would lead me back to myself. For ten years, you have been my compass. Less interested in playing it safe, I learned to give myself permission to build a life that I was too afraid to want. I stepped outside of the safety of my writing and held your hand as my partner in all things. I let my hopes for my own library and framed degrees merge with a long-ignored desires for mermaid dresses and exchanging vows with my toes in the sand. You taught me that I could love someone else without losing the woman I always wanted to be. I did not know that I could dream of weddings and happily ever afters - perhaps because I did not yet know that you were always my final destination.
Happy Birthday Jesse, thank you for being my partner in this life. You are a long held daydream turned into my beloved reality.
